Tasting Miss Kitty's Cakes
by JudeDeluca
Summary: Happy Birthday, L1701E! The Prof's birthday is coming up, and Kitty has volunteered to make the cake. May God help us all. Contains puking, fat jokes, falling down stairs, earthquakes, explosions, and Ron Burgandy! What more could you want?


Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men Evolution.

For L1701E's birthday. I would've posted this earlier had I known. Anyway, sorry it's kinda rushed. Guest appearnce by Ron Burgandy and Veronica Corningstone.

While this might not show Kitty baking the cakes, it does show what happens to her victimes. And what people do to avoid trying them. Except when money gets involved.

* * *

_Tasting Miss Kitty's Cakes_

"GUYS! GUYS!" Kurt screamed as he searched for his friends.

"Kurt, what is it?" Scott asked, worried.

"It's, it's…"

"What's with elf?" Logan asked.

"It's too horrible to mention!" Kurt screamed, pale as a ghost and hands trembling. Jean, not being able to handle the suspense, read his mind, and almost wet herself.

"Oh God no!" Jean shrieked.

"What?!" Scott cried.

"T-the Professor's birthday party…" Jean tried to explain.

"What about it, Jean?" Scott asked.

"Kitty is baking the cake."

Now they were all horrified.

"And that's not the worst part." Jean whispered.

"She's looking for taste testers." Kurt sobbed.

"KURT! JEAN! SCOTT!" Kitty cried. "MISTER LOGAN!"

The others shivered as they realized Kitty was coming for them with some sort of misshapen purple blob that was supposed to be Angel Food Cake. That was crying.

"To the Jet!" Jean screamed in their minds.

And off they went.

"Maybe if we lay low for a couple of weeks under the Polar Ice Caps we should be good." Logan grunted.

"Agreed."

…

Beast.

"Of course I'll try it, Kitty."

Hank took the plate from Kitty's hands. The cake was, somehow, blue and red from her desperate attempts to cover it in icing. There were bits of burnt baking chocolate, currants, and coconut.

"Thanks, Dr. McCoy. You're a life saver!" Kitty happily said as Hank thoroughly chewed the piece and swallowed.

"Hmm… not bad." He shrugged.

"Thanks! You don't-*ak*." Kitty was cut off when she was a thick clump of hair fall off the good doctor's head.

"What?" He asked.

And the rest of his fur followed after.

"What?"

…

Storm.

"Well if it's for the Professor's birthday…" Storm trailed off as she eyed the burnt piece of confectionary dangling from a broken spoon. Kitty was blushing as Storm put the piece in her mouth.

Five minutes later.

"_Hello, I'm Ron Burgundy_."

"_And I'm Veronica Corningtone_." The two reporters said.

Behind them, in the News Station in California, there was footage of terrible, rampaging hurricanes going through a small, unsuspecting town.

"_What you are witnessing is live footage of a series of tornadoes which inexplicably appeared in Bayville, NY. No apparent cause has been found as to what created them, only that a local high school student, Katherine Pryde, had this to say_."

Kitty was now on screen, covered in dirt and with a chipmunk crawling around in her hair.

"_Too much sugar_."

…

Rogue.

"Buncha babies." Rogue said, after listening to Kitty's sob stories.

"So you'll do it?" Kitty asked.

"It's the Prof's birthday. How could I say no?" Rogue said sympathetically. "But you owe me."

"Muchos gracias!" Kitty said with stars in her eyes.

Ten minutes later.

"HUUUURK!!!!"

Kitty was looking terribly ashamed of herself as she stood outside the bathroom and listened to Rogue vomit her guts out after her trying her latest creation.

"Rogue, I'm sorry!" Kitty pleaded.

"Your sor-HHHHURRRRRKK!!! Sorry?! What the hell did you put in that?!" Rogue screamed from behind the door in-between regurgitations.

"I followed the recipe exactly! Except…" Kitty trailed off, trying to remember the name of the ingredient she put in.

"Excep-HHHUUURRRKK!!! HUUUURRRKKK!! Oh God make it stop!" Rogue sobbed as bits of corn and undigested strawberries covered her mouth.

"I ran out of baking chocolate so I had to use Ihp-Ecase." Kitty revealed.

"What?!"

"Ihp-Ecase. I-P-E-C-A-C." Kitty spelled it out.

"YOU PUT IPECAC IN I-HHHUUURRRRKKK!!! It's coming out of my nose!!"

"I thought it was some kind of fancy French chocolate brand." Kitty defended herself as Rogue continued puking.

"Why?! Wh-HHUUURRRKKK!!!! When did I eat corn?!"

…

Avalanche.

"Oooohhh!!!" Lance cried in the bathroom. Todd was hopping around in the hall waiting to go in.

"Come on yo, I gotta make!"

"What's wrong with him?" Pietro asked as he passed by.

"Pryde made him try some homemade cake she made."

"What?!" Pietro screamed. "Don't you remember what happened the last-"

Pietro was cut off by the sound of flatulence, followed by an 8.5 Earthquake which began to decimate the house.

"Head for the root cellar!" Todd asked.

Too late. The roof caved in.

"Wasn't me." Fred said.

…

Jubilee.

"Gee Kitty, I wish I could, but, m-m-my grandma died…!"

Jubilee burst into tears and started sobbing into her hands.

"Oh, Jubilee I'm so sorry! I didn't know. Of course you don't have to. Just, I'm sorry for your loss." Kitty patter her on the shoulder and left the room. When she was all alone, Jubilee raised her head up and wiped the tears from her eyes, smirking.

"…six years ago."

…

Magma.

"Uh, uh, me no speak English." Amara stammered. Kitty gave her an incredulous look.

"What? But-"

"Chimichanga, bandito, cilantro, burrito, Cinco de Mayo!" Amara ranted in a phony Mexican accent. Kitty was creeped out by the extreme look on her face.

"Umm… yeah. Good luck with that." Kitty slowly said as she backed out of the room and ran down the hall.

…

Cannonball & Iceman.

"Well, Kitty, I'd love to help, but…" Sam trailed off, thinking of a reason, when he sneakily stuck his foot out and sent Bobby down the stairs.

"AAAH!!!" Bobby screamed as he hit the bottom. Kitty turned pale when she saw the angle his bone had broken off at.

"But it looks like I'm taking Bobby to the emergency room. You understand." Sam said, not looking back as he hurried down the stairs and dragged Bobby to the front doors.

"Grandpa? Issat you?" Bobby asked.

…

Berzerker.

"Ray you're my last hope!"

"No!"

"But Roberto jumped out the window and Tabby lapsed into a coma when I asked them!"

"Good for them. Now leave me alone."

"Don't you care about the Professor's birthday?"

"I want to live to see mine!"

"I'll make it worth your while."

"I said n-"

"Fifty dollars."

"Where'd you get fifty dollars?"

"The school paid me a settlement to NEVER make anything in the Home Economics class again."

"Alright, fine. I need the money."

"Great! Now come on, this one I made is chocolate and cranberry with vanilla and licorice."

The things people do for greed.

Six samples, 400 dollars, and a trip to the doctor's office later…

"So, hey, ready to try another sample?"

Kitty held up a blackened disc of what should've been coconut cream, but instead had a spatula going through the plate and a pair of frog's legs twitching like mad."

"Kitty enough is enough!" Ray pleaded. "My colon doesn't deserve this torture!"

"But Ray, the Professor's birthday is tomorrow and I'm not ready!" Kitty cried.

"Tough! Look at this!" Ray waved a bottle of prescription medicine in her face. "I have to take this for my small intestines thanks to your Lemon & Curried Custard abortion."

"Uh, what are those?" Kitty asked.

"Suppositories."

"Oh." Kitty paled. "But just-"

"NO! I have practically lived in the bathroom the last three days. Whenever Rogue wasn't puking her heart out."

"HHHUUURRRKKK!!!" They heard in the background.

"See. And not only that, I put on forty pounds in the last three days!" Ray screamed.

"Really?"

"Look at me!"

Ray motioned to the fact that his cheeks were rounder, arms were thicker, and his shirt couldn't completely cover his larger gut hanging over his pant waist.

"Oh, yeah. I ran out of flour and butter so I substituted with pig lard and protein powder."

"Goodbye, Kitty!" Ray stomped off.

"Where are you going?" Kitty cried.

"To buy the Professor's present." He said as he stalked away.

"And bigger pants." He muttered, when his belt burst open from the pressure and sent his buckle flying.

Over at the top of the stairs, Bobby hobbled on crutches and Rogue clutched at her poor stomach, looking paler as usual and leaning on the banister, when Ray's buckle hit Bobby square in the back of his head.

"Ow!" Bobby yelled, losing his balance. "Whoa!"

"Hey! Watch-"

Rogue didn't have time to finish as Bobby fell smack on top of her and the two went fumbling down the stairs!

"AAAHHH!!!" They screamed before they landed at the bottom, flat on their backs.

CRACK!

There went the other leg. The bone was actually sticking out this time, revealing nerve and muscle.

"HHUUURRRKKK!!" Rogue puked again, a fountain of vomit that rained back on them.

"Oh God it went inside my leg!" Bobby screamed.

…

Professor X

Finally, the big day came. The student body gathered in the main hall, those who weren't hiding in the Arctic. People from all around came. Music played. The gifts were heaped on one large table.

Hank had to wear a big overcoat to hide his lack of fur. Storm was sedated, eyes rolled into the back of her head. She wore a straight jacket, and was sitting listlessly in a rocking chair as Ray wiped drool from her chin, hanging around her so no one would notice his increased weight. And so he didn't have to stand as that took more effort than usual. Bobby was hiked up on pain killers and wore twin casts on his legs, as he was pulled around by Jubilee in a nurses uniform. She also had to make sure his pee bag didn't overflow as the painkillers made him unable to go to the bathroom by himself. Luckily for Jubilee, the Professor agreed to wipe those memories from her head when Bobby healed. And Rogue had an IV plugged into her arm and stomach, and a cast on her leg. She had absolutely no color and her eyes were hollow as were her cheeks. She couldn't eat anything lest she wind up puking again. And Tabby was still pretending she was in a coma.

Oh, and the Brotherhood was moved out of ICU, but required extensive psychological care for being stuck under a demolished roof with Lance after he tried Kitty's food.

"Thank you all for coming, my students." The guest of honor said. "Despite some, ah, mishaps over the last few days."

"Here it is!" A voice in the hall said as the lights dimmed.

The others gasped as Kitty brought out a perfect three layer cake, covered in white frosting and sugar roses of all colors.

The words: "HAPPY BIRTHDAY PROFESSOR" were written in red icing.

The professor blew out the candles and most everyone gasped. But what shocked everyone even more was that he took a bite and nothing horrible happened. No zits, diarrhea, broken teeth, choking, allergic reactions, flatulence, dementia, hypertension, heart attack, NOTHING. The other students gathered for a slice. Ray, Hank, Rogue, and the two drugged ones had other thoughts.

"There is no way you made that cake, Pryde." Rogue gathered the strength to say as the rest of Kitty's victims gathered, and were wheeled, to and around her.

"Uhhhhhh…" Storm and Bobby moaned.

"What they said." Ray said.

"Oh well, after so many failures, I decided it would've been better if I just bought the cake." Kitty said so simply. The jaws of her victims dropped the floor as Kitty went to get a piece with a sugar rose on it.

"So we suffered for nothing?!" Ray screamed.

"Yeah, pretty much." Kitty smiled as returned with a plate.

"Have you gained weight?" Hank asked Ray.

"I'm retaining water." Ray lied as he blushed.

"You and John Goodman, fat boy." Rogue snapped.

"Stand up to my face and say that." Ray barked, then thought about what would happen if she did. "Wait, on second thought, don't."

"Wait, what'd you do with the leftovers?" Hank asked Kitty as she chewed on a piece of the store-bought cake.

Kitty slyly grinned.

…

Over at Bayville High, tonight was the Faculty Meeting.

"Principal Kelly, someone left this in your office." His secretary said as she put a big white box on the table. He opened the box.

"Cake?" He said.

BOOM!!!!

The End.


End file.
